Comfortable in My Own Life Vs. My Own Skin

Since I was young, I have always been a bigger girl. But even worse throughout my life, I’ve been called numerous things by ignorant people such as fat girl, the nice one, the one with the great personality or even the tag-a-long. While some of those aren’t that bad, I know full well what they meant when they were being said.

When I was younger, I couldn’t stand the thought of being called some of those things. But since I was at the mercy of being predisposed for having a big frame and a particular love for food, my own love for working out — whether it was walking or swimming — couldn’t overcome the fact that I would always be bigger.

But throughout my life, I have noticed that when I am completely comfortable with my life I tend to only work out here and there, watch what I ate occasionally and have less interest in counting every calorie ate and every calorie burned.

For the last 14 years, my waist line has been a continuous yo-yo between after having two children, losing my dad and my stepson and just being ‘comfortable in my life.’

But for me, there is giant difference between being comfortable in my life and being comfortable in my skin. Because I am most definitely not comfortable in my skin at my current weight and physical condition. I know that I still have a very muscular frame because I have spent many years building that up with the help of friends and trainers. I also know that as ‘out of shape’ that I may appear to people right now, it would not take me very long or even very much effort to get back into shape.

Am I obese according to that ridiculous chart that doctors have in their offices that is only based on weight and height? Yes.
Do I have one too many chins for my liking? Uh, yes.
Am I completely unhappy with my gut and large ‘jiggly’ arms? Sure.
And do my clothes fit me a little tighter than I would like and are they a few sizes bigger than I would like? Very much so.
But am I happy with my life at this moment, right here, right now? YES!

I have a goal in my mind for myself to hit by my 40th birthday, which scary enough is just under three years away. And after countless times of being on Weight Watchers and using pure common sense, I know that no matter how much exercise I do, if I’m not eating right at the same time, then it’s not going to matter much at all.

But being ‘comfortable in my life’ right now includes having a husband who loves me for me as his wife, the mother of his children, and his best friend. When you’re at a place like that in life, it’s hard to find a reason to not just come home after work and play with your kids and kiss your husband hello and find contentment in your life. Other than the obvious reasons of wanting to do something about my own health and well-being. I know it’s not good to be overweight. I know it’s not good to snap, crackle and pop when I walk. And I know that the side effects such as ankle pain and knee pain would probably be nonexistent if I just lost weight.

But I also want to ask people who pass judgment on me, “What makes you so stinkin’ special?”.  And I’m referring to those overly judgmental and ignorant people who talk about me, or anyone like me for that matter, as if I’m not going to find out about it, or maybe that male sales clerk who looks right past me to wait on the hot blonde waiting behind me, or the person who has the nerve to step in front of me in line just because they feel they can. Last time, I checked being overweight doesn’t make me helpless, stupid or invalid, in fact it makes me a lot more hefty if it came to a fight.

So to you, I say your comments mean nothing to me, your actions mean nothing to me because you mean nothing to me. Your comments and actions speak volumes about the type of person you truly are. Who are you to pass judgment on me? Because I know the health ramifications of the extra weight I’m carrying and I know what I should be doing to make myself better. And I also know that I’d rather be ‘comfortable in my life’ right now than miserable, alone and standing at the back of the room as a skinny, self-absorbed moron only worried about what other people are thinking about me.

I have a husband who loves me, three beautiful children, a stepdaughter who will soon make me a grandparent, a good job, a roof over my head, enough money to buy us what we need and mostly what we want, friends who keep me laughing and stand next to me when I need the support and a good understanding of who I am.

I know not everyone is going to like me. That’s a pretty impossible thing to do. But as my husband so eloquently says on a regular basis, “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one  and most of them stink.”  My husband is a man of few words, but the words he does use, he uses them pretty wisely.

So for right now, I’m going to continue being ‘comfortable in my own life’ and figure out how to reach my goal for my 40th birthday so I can be a little more ‘comfortable in my own skin.’ But right now as far as I’m concerned, I’ll take being “comfortable in my life” over “comfortable in my skin” for the win any day.