As I look toward the future, I wonder what lies ahead.
Will I ever find what I am truly looking for? Will my husband find what he’s been looking for after a very long time and figure out what makes him happy again? What does the road ahead look like? More bumps and potholes, or smooth sailing and blue skies.
Who will my boys choose to become? Athletes? Scholars? World travelers? Businessmen? What will the roads look like that they choose to travel?
Will my stepdaughter find love and happiness again? Will she figure out how strong and independent she truly can be? Who my granddaughter grow to become?
What will happen with my mother? When will she stop knowing who we are? Who I am? Her grandchildren? Everyone? When will the woman I grew up knowing as my mother truly be gone? Dementia is a horrible disease that doesn’t just strip a person of who they have become throughout their entire life, it strips their family and friends of the person they love, cherish and adore right before their eyes day by day, minute by minute. I used to think cancer was the most horrible disease to hit our family, but then life laughed in our faces and my mom was diagnosed with dementia and we found something even worse.
When someone starts the journey to try to figure out what happened to the person who once looked back at them in the mirror, they don’t always know what they’ll find along the way.
As January 2017 approached, I knew I needed to do something to change who I was becoming inside and out. I had become unhappy with myself – not only with the way I looked but also with the way I felt about myself and who I had let myself become. I felt like I paled in comparison to the woman I longed to be one day when I was graduating from college nearly 20 years ago.
Marriage is not an easy task whatsoever. It’s not something to go into without the understanding that it will take a lot of hard work, compromise, patience, balance and compassion from both sides. It’s also as much about friendship as it about love. In the
past, I’ve said in passing that marriage is not for the faint of heart because it should not be taken lightly but rather very seriously and gone into with one’s eyes wide open and with all of one’s heart and soul.
As Tim and I celebrate our 10-year anniversary this week, it reminded me just how much respect I have for those couples who have been married for 25 – 50 – even 75 years because that is quite an achievement. While we have actually been together for nearly 16 1/2 years, we finally tied the knot ten years ago on June 30, 2007 surrounded by our family and friends.
When you’re the parent who usually leaves first for work in the morning, tears and whining tend to come with the territory when your kids are little. As they get older, you find the tears turn to bemoaning and sheer lack of motivation to move.
Fifteen years later after losing my father, I still find myself wondering “What would Pop say?” at the most random times. I don’t mean just when I have been offered a new job or when I got married, instead simple little things like buying a book or picking out new clothes or even scolding my boys – that random thought has popped into my head on too many occasions.
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”
The other day I strolled into a place that had once been my second home. I couldn’t believe how long it had been since I had stepped through its front door.
I was 23 years old and I walked into a one-room office filled with short-walled cubicles, people talking loudly on the phones, wall-to-wall old carpet and an extremely large Belleville News-Democrat decal strung across the front windows. I felt so young; looking back on it now, I really was that young.
Throughout my own hectic life, I sometimes come to a crossroads where I am left to wonder is it truly possible to have it all without losing my ever-lovin’ mind.
Most of the time it is my own sense of self-doubt that gets the better of me and leads me to believe that there may be a difference between what I know I can do and what I only made myself believe in my own fantasy world that I can do. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone else other than myself.
So when my life is passing me by at warp speed, everyone is buzzing by and I feel like my children are growing like weeds right in front of my face, I have this minor problem every now and then, I just forget to breathe.